middlefinger | IC Inbox for Penance

"I don't doubt that, I've seen you fight."

She remembers their time in the maze together, how often Elena was quick on her feet in the face of danger. She moved in the way soldiers of war know how to, it's hard to explain unless you've been there yourself.

Even before the homestead was invaded Michelle Earp would take her middle daughter out on camping trips, teaching her the ways of survival. And in survival situations it's not about being brave, or being strong, it's about being smart.

She thought she was being smart when she took Holt out of the equation before he had the chance to become a threat like his mother had been. Sometimes now...she's not so sure.

"It's about keeping them safe, because they're important to you."

That Wynonna understands. She's lost so much and she would do anything to make sure she didn't lose anyone she cared about again. Doc may be disappointed because she didn't love up to his high expectations of her, but at least he's alive to be disappointed. It beats the alternative.

And in the fairness of honesty and full disclosure:

"And would it effect our friendship, the team we've built together if I told you...even after learning all of this, I still care about him?"

Maybe shouldn't, but the heart doesn't run on shoulds or shouldn'ts, it never has.

Edited 2020-11-28 23:45 (UTC)

Elena tugs in a small and soft breath.

"No," she says, the word not without gravity. "It wouldn't."

When they spoke about Klaus at the bar, shortly after their perilous adventure in the maze, they agreed to not let Doc or Klaus come between that. Nothing has changed on Elena's end: she knew then what she knows now. Maybe she just knows a little bit more.

In any case, she doesn't judge Wynonna for caring about Klaus. Much like she wouldn't judge the fact Caroline did. Elena, of all people, understands feeling for someone who's done terrible things. She felt for Damon in spite of herself and her morals. In spite of how he'd hurt her and the people she cares about. She's never regretted seeing the good in someone, and she's found comfort in the darkness.

She doesn't begrudge Wynonna that - she and Klaus were something long before Elena came alone. She's wondered how deep it goes, and she can't help but wonder if Wynonna herself knows. "Do you love him?"

Wynonna used to be so much more judgemental, especially in the early days of being the heir. She often took moralistic issues with the actions of both Doc and Dolls -- but it never stopped her from caring about either one of them, and during her tenure of as the heir, fighting and clawing her way to live another day time and time again, her own morality has become a moving target.

But she is taken aback, and it's a good thing she's not drinking anything because she would have for sure done a spit take. Sure -- she has tender feelings sometimes about him, and she's really missed him since he told her to leave but that doesn't mean she loves him.

"I mean, he's really hot and really good in bed and we've gotten cl -- but I don't -- I don't love him. That's ridiculous."

The lady doth protest too much.

Edited 2020-11-29 01:05 (UTC)

Elena is perhaps not the most successful at hiding her expression, full of skepticism that it is. Wynonna has admitted that Klaus is important to her before. His admission would not leave her so torn if he wasn't. If her friendship with Elena wasn't, too.

It can be difficult to remember, sometimes, just how deep the dysfunction and the complications go until someone from outside of it all is witness to it. It's not ... an easy situation. Nothing about the dynamics from Mystic Falls is.

"Right," Elena says carefully.

Another breath. "Well, whatever you and Klaus have, I'm not getting in the way of it."

Well it's not just that. There's also Doc, who will always have some place in her heart even when they're on the outs. Her love life is just a hot mess as always not least of all because of her fears of commitment.

It's so much easier when people don't want to label or talk about things. So she's going to try to just pivot the conversation a little bit.

"I didn't think you were I just...thought you should know I knew something so private about you. It didn't seem right not to tell you."

Elena falls into silence again.

Part of why she hadn't said anything... beyond wanting to honor her truce with Klaus and being certain of Wynonna's standing with him is she didn't want to be seen through the eyes of a tragedy. There's always been more to her than gloomy graveyard girl.

Even Elena herself has forgotten this in the past. But if anyone were to understand a terrible legacy and bloodline, and the ruthless price of survival, it's Wynonna. She's not upset that she knows. It was an inevitability Elena may have been prolonging.

"Thank you. For telling me. I know it's ... a lot."

Trauma can shape you in ways you both do and don't realize. Elena isn't just the gloomy graveyard girl any more than Wynonna is just the crazy chick who shot her dad. And honesty, while hard to swallow sometimes, is ultimately appreciated.

Trust isn't something Wynonna gives out easily. And she knows how precious and fragile it can be, she's smashed other people's trust in her on purpose many times, but she won't now.

"I won't tell anyone. Not even Waverly. It's not my story to tell."

And Wynonna knows how it feels when the narrative of your life can envelope your identity, she wouldn't do that to Elena.

As repetitive as it might be, Elena will thank Wynonna for that, too. She knows how close the Earp sisters are, and how much it means to have Wynonna's discretion. Not that she thinks she couldn't trust Waverly with it, but there is enough going on without Elena dredging up her traumatic past. Some of which she still hasn't fully dealt with. It's a life-long process, precisely because of how that trauma can shape you.

"And she'll have enough to deal with."

When she returns. It's always a matter of when.

"Then again, with all these memories floating around lately, it might not matter what we choose."

Anything of theirs can be telegraphed at a moment's notice. This is the Bad Place.

It wouldn't be the first time she lied to Waverly. She lied to Waverly for most of their life about their mother and what really happened with her. This is nothing on that level, but if she can carry that, then she can carry this as well.

"She will. I don't want to add to that."

Once Waverly is back, Wynonna's priority will be hovering and making sure she's okay because that's what big sisters do.

"Very true. There have been plenty out there that I haven't chosen, that got out anyway."

Like killing Willa. Or giving away Alice. Or in Faith's case....seeing her and Doc argue and then have sex for the first time. Having your previous entanglements broadcast is really weird, let her tell you. She's seen some personal and awkward stuff herself.

Sara seeing some of her memories about Dolls had been nice though, in a weird way. It felt nice to tell someone about him. To not let him just fade into the list of people who died.

(As a fellow big sister, Elena completely understands and supports this course of action.)

Elena's heard stories about the funhouse experience some of the sinners had in October, so she's under no delusion they have any real privacy - nice though it may be to pretend sometimes. But this feels more invasive and personal than Hell's usual fare.

She looks sympathetic, and not a little indignant on Wynonna's behalf.

"How bad was it?" she asks, wondering with dread what memories of hers are being broadcast as they speak.

Wynonna's first event made everyone hear one another's thoughts. It's what had originally bonded her and Klaus beyond sex, when he heard her thoughts and found out about Alice, saw the flashes of her giving away, and told her about Hope. A shared trauma, not too many people experience having to give up their child.

In any case, any delusion she had about privacy went out the window around then.

"Pretty bad -- the worst was the one of me giving away my daughter."

Has she mentioned Alice to Elena before? She's not sure, but they've been honest thus far, might as well not stop now.

Her lips part in quiet surprise.

"Your daughter?"

Wynonna has never mentioned her before, but Elena does know about the revenants. She knows about the responsibility that has been placed on Wynonna's shouders, and the dangers that come with it. She'd known a lot of things - but not that Wynonna is a mother.

The more Elena does learn about her, the more she thinks she gets it. Wynonna and Klaus.

To be fair, Wynnonna doesn't mention Alice to a lot of people. Not because she's ashamed of her daughter, but because she got used to having to act like she doesn't exist, like she died, to keep her safe. And because it's painful. And because she still has a lot of mixed feelings about being a mother. She gets up from the table and makes her way to the cabinets to grab a bottle of whiskey -- between Doc and Faith she knew she would find some. She cracks it open, taking a long swig before speaking again.

"Doc and I had a baby girl, Alice Michelle," Maybe that helps give some context to the complexities around Doc's relationship with the Earps too. "I sent her away right after she was born, out of the Ghost River Triangle so she would be safe."

It was not a decision they made together and Doc resented her for it for a long time, but if it keeps their daughter alive, she doesn't care.

She'd known the relationship between Doc and Wynonna was complicated, but she hadn't appreciated just how much. There is no imagining something like this, but Elena is empathetic to the loss - and how hard it must have been to give her up.

"It's not the same, but I've sent my brother away." Jeremy once mentioned drugging her to get her away from Mystic Falls, too. "Against his wishes, but I did. To keep him alive. You'd do anything to keep the people you love safe."

It's not always a good thing.

But it's something they recognize and understand in each other.

It was the hardest thing Wynonna has ever done -- even worse than killing her own sister. She had prepared her whole pregnancy for the endgame, and when the time came...she didn't want to do it. She hadn't been prepared for how much she didn't want to do it. How much she would love Alice. Even now, she'll do anything to make sure she's safe. Which is why when Rosita told her the Clantons had been the one to try to buy Alice off of her -- well the story's ending was written then.

"I once knocked Waverly out and locked her in a truck to try to get her out of town. Another time I drugged all my friends to keep them out of the battle -- though that one sort of backfired on me."

As things didn't really end up safer or better for Nicole or Jeremy.

"There's nothing I won't do for my family. I've lost too much of them already."

These are words Elena herself could have spoken. She has before. I'm not going to lose anyone else I love. The world shrinks to what you have left, and you protect it tooth and nail. It became a part of her, to the point where not being willing to do anything made her feel like a bad person. Their worlds are grey and murky, and rarely easy to navigate. It's easy to lose your way. She gets this all too well.

It's these last words Wynonna says, the sentiment so achingly familiar, that keeps her reacting too much to the rest. Especially as Wynonna has, in a sense, lost Alice. She's alive, but Wynonna is missing so much of her growing up.

"I can't imagine how hard that decision must have been."

Wynonna has crossed lines she never thought she would to keep her family safe, and she's still wrestling with the aftermath of those choices. As she has often had to wrestle with the aftermath of the tough calls she's had to make.

Like giving up her daughter.

"The revenants couldn't leave Purgatory and she could, there was no decision to make."

It was the only course of action to keep her safe.

Elena believes her.

If she'd send Jeremy away... and Alice is a baby. She should be safe.

"Your secret is safe with me."

Much like Elena has Wynonna's discretion, Wynonna has hers. There's a reason she hasn't heard about Alice up until this point, and it is not something that Elena takes lightly, either.

It's true, she's told a few people willingly, and some found out because Hell pried it out, but she mostly keeps it close to her chest. Because it's a wound that never had a chance to truly heal. One she's not sure ever will.

Some don't.

"Thank you."

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