middlefinger | IC Inbox for Penance

( it did not feel like she ever knew that. it felt like a line was drawn. they were finding their way back, and then she'd shot sheriff holt. and then they lost it all. now he does not know what they are.

the tension is thick, their words they share hold this insurmountable weight.

he always has. he is the romantic out of the two of them. )

I do.

(she had begun to understand them, after bulshar trapped them in that nightmare version of groundhogs day, but then he lost control, and she didn't have peacemaker, and then both he and waverly were gone. and when they were finally finding their way back...she shot sheriff holt. and it cost her more than she could have imagines. she doesn't know what they are either.

does he believe they are soulmates? does she dare ask? or is that opening pandora's box?)

Even in hell? (where you can be forced to get married to a virtual stranger?)

Would soulmates not span other worlds. Our souls travel with us.

( His use of our seems ... pointed this close to an embrace, but he doesn't regret it. )

Nicole's did.

(it does feel pointed, but not in a bad way. wynonna doesn't believe in soulmates, but for a moment, she wished she did. that she wasn't so fatalistic. in any case, he's still married, and they don't know if he still has to honor that. better not to say anything too specific about the two of them.)

She did. I know how much Waverly missed her. It can be hard, feeling alone here.

( he doesn't even know if wynonna would want him to. if they are there. if they will ever get there. he will always hope (until he lets himself let it go), but this doesn't feel like that. )

I know that, with my marriage, my change in living arrangements, the world changing, my staying behind... ( He survived. ) I am always here. Even if I don't say it. No matter where I end up.

( it's the subtle nod to what he'd been thinking, how dust-covered his spurs feel after his new lease on a new life. which, he should be there for her now. he should check in. )

How has it been having Willa around?

(maybe someday they will get there, maybe someday she'll let herself get there, she'll stop being such a coward when it comes to him, when it comes to love.)

I know that. At least, I do now. For a while you felt so far away from me and it felt like everything was trying to tear us further and further apart -- but it doesn't anymore.

(her expression sobers, becomes more sad at the mention of her wayward older sister.)

Hard. She knows what I did to her -- I think it would be easier if she hated me for it. I already lost her twice...I just...I want to help her this time around, if it's possible.

Considering I arrived after your month imprisoned.

( And as nice as they were, as they'd been without defining anything, jealousy and all, they caught up to their shared history. And nothing was the same. )

You had reason for what you did to her, the monster she was trying to unleash.

( Bobo Del Rey's influence aside, it was her or them. )

I know that does not make the difference. How is she acclimating?

And I was so behind the times when you arrived.

(but she eventually tried to move past that, and then they were painfully on the same page -- he's ahead again but the gap doesn't feel so wide this time around. maybe she's grown. maybe they both have)

Dolls shot her first -- that monster would have killed her -- I was just beating it to the punch. To try to end her suffering.

(and yet since wynonna arrived in hell she had expected to see willa or her dad here, wanting answers from her. after over a year she had let that go, and then one of them finally shows up and she's felt spun around again. but at least she's not alone. she feels bad talking about this too much with waverly...given how complicated it all is, so it's good he's asking)

She's adjusting as well as anyone....I think she doesn't know...how to just be Willa, who that even is after everything Daddy, Bobo, Constance Clootie did to her....maybe she'll have the chance to be someone else without all those influences.

( A few months, yes. )

For a long time, she was the girl in that cult.

( And by the time she'd returned, the damage was already done. )

With you by her side, she has a fighting chance. Being there for her, that is no small thing.

She was. Also named Eve.

(seemingly just a coincidence, but weird all the same.)

She's my sister -- I owe her that much. (and pragmatically)

And we know how dangerous she can be if she falls under the wrong influence.

No relation.

( He says it with a hard edge, but also with a deadpanning air.

He might argue she doesn't owe her anything, not from where her actions led, but she was taken as a small child, assimilated, and brainwashed. Wynonna should feel a concern for her, a responsibility. For Wynonna, it has always been family first. )

Do you think you've taken her under your wing because of the influences around us? ( More than anything? ) She spent years away from you.

I think that's part of it. (in many ways, willa has been closed off from the world at large whether it was in bobo's treehouse or in the cult. she needs guidance -- who else would be willing to give it to her?)

I also...I already lost her twice, you know? I don't want to a third time. Not if I can help it. I guess it's selfish in a way because it's for me as much as it is for her.

Just because something is selfish, it does not mean it's the wrong thing to do.

( This is the exact opposite. )

I know that. I also know how it feels to feel like a lost cause...in spite of what she's done, she's my sister. She seems receptive to my support, even if she doesn't seem to know what to do about it.

(and maybe in the end history will repeat itself, but maybe, just maybe, it won't. still, it's hard to talk about, and feeling rather vulnerable herself which is why she steps in, wrapping her arms around him in a full embrace finally.)

You were never a lost cause.

( despite his biting words implying the contrary. )

I am sorry for the words we exchanged on your porch. It was as much about me as it was about the sheriff.

I'm sorry for what I said too. I don't think you're busted up inside.

(and she's beginning to think she isn't either.)

But, we are the same, Wynonna.

( Maybe they come from a legacy they aren't proud of. But, that doesn't mean they can't do the good they need to. Is this nearing territory he would've said had he had the chance?

He brings his left hand up, to brush a lock of hair out of Wynonna's face, that ring gleaming from the angled firelight. )

We are. That I've always known.

(there are things she should say, and he's so close, it would be easy to kiss him right now....but then she sees the gleam of his ring and thinks better of it. until they know what lucifer expects of the marriages now....she doesn't want to get him in trouble. she's trying not to be that selfish.)

( he sees it, too, always sees it with the movement of his wrist and he forces himself to step back. some are married to other people. multiple people. but, he does not feel nearly as confident in bringing that up with her. selfishly, he too, wants to kiss her, wants to tell her what he's thinking. but, she's not there, not that he knows of. and they have these other concerns. nicole. willa. ray. )

I sired Ray. And now I am human. I don't know how that works. ( A second passes. ) I also sired Mercedes. If there were anybody made for being a vampire...

( He says it proudly, letting Wynonna that the glibness is intentional. Mercedes asked/it was necessary. )

(there's a pang as he pulls back, but she understands, as much as she wishes she doesn't. she's been selfish with other people who are married, not caring what the consequences might be, but she can't be with him -- she can't endanger him for her desires, strong as they are. nor does she want to ruin the understanding they've finally come back to together. and there are other concerns. it's not just about them. (when does it get to be about them?))

Sounds like something you'll need to talk to Ray about. (she doesn't know how it works either. there is a small grin at the second part though.)

Guess her pretending to be one at the Glory Hole was good practice.

( it is more about her consequences, or ray's, than his. but they would have each other's interests and safety in mind. )

I will when I return. He was not yet awake.

( wynonna is his first visit. with a few messages exchanged beforehand, but ray is sleeping soundly. )

For when we needed it. She took to it like a fish to water, outside of losing her feminist credentials.

( Calling him sire by instinct. )

(she hopes when lucifer recovers that he won't hold them to these marriages anymore. maybe she should say that out loud. she doesn't though. )

Good for her. Beyond her being a vampire and you being human now....is there anything else I need to know in the future?

( neither does he, because turning ray, in any capacity, has bound ray to him forever. unless, being turned human undid that connection. and he is his former sire.

still, he feels the responsibility. )

Eve did not return. The Ghost River Triangle is saved. Cleo's plans are foiled. ( He pauses, pursing his lips. ) Would you like to keep a secret?

(he may be connected to ray forever now, but as waverly will remind wynonna later, no matter what happens, wynonna and doc will be connected forever too, through their daughter.

despite popular belief, wynonna can keep a secret when she needs to, she kept the truth about michelle gibson for years.)

Sure. What is it?

( there is never a time that is not on his mind. )

Just before I awoke, Waverly asked me to be her best man. You are standing up for Nicole. Apparently, you're best friends.

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